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<title>I Feel Dead (But I’m Too Scared To Die) by TwistedViolets</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760893">I Feel Dead (But I’m Too Scared To Die)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedViolets/pseuds/TwistedViolets'>TwistedViolets</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, I think?, Role Reversal, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, general Season 2 spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:13:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>725</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25760893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedViolets/pseuds/TwistedViolets</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Between her memories of a ordinary time and a time of extraordinariness, Vanya Struggles to figure out the real her. The real person underneath all the blood on her hands. She wishes she could pretend it wasn't real but she knows better.</p><p>They tell her she's sick and pump medication in her veins but she knows the truth. </p><p>She's broken in a bad way.</p><p>...</p><p>Or role swap Au! Vanya ends up in the mental institution instead of Diego (except she’s there willingly.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>164</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Haven’t had any motivation to write lately. Ugh.<br/>Sorry if this is literal trash! It’s just a little scene in a concept I’ve been thinking about.</p><p>Not typo checked at all. Sorry in advance.</p><p>Might delete tomorrow when I have brain cells.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"How are you feeling today, Vanya?" The nurse asks as she brings in a small cup of pills. A white pill and a red pill bump against the plastic interior.</p><p>She looks back to the window and ignores the nurse.</p><p>A bird lands just out in the courtyard. It's black back glistening as it leans down and pecks at the soft dirt, searching for seed they were occasionally fed. Such soft and docile creatures. Beautifully ordinary...and she was almost the cause of their end.</p><p>"Here's your medicine," the nurse extends the cup to her, smiling behind it with only the slightest shiver in her hand. As if she really thinks she's fooling anyone.</p><p>Everyone here is afraid of her.</p><p>"Earth to Vanya. Hello dear."</p><p>She turns to the nurse slowly, making note of the name tag reading, Ruth. She grasps the cup and brings it to her lips, downing the contents with ease. </p><p>A learned skill.</p><p>She doesn't feel much of anything. It's a familiar feeling. Being numb, a prisoner in her own body. But somehow she thinks she deserves this. Maybe she wants to punish herself for everything she did or maybe she doesn't trust herself anymore. In the end, it doesn't matter because it's all the same conclusion.</p><p>She's a monster.</p><p>This is for the better. She hurt her family. She hurt the people she loves. If she could do something that monstrous then she needs to be put on a leash, restrained.</p><p>So she smiles and nods as she does every morning and as the little bit of energy fades from her she feels a sick popping in her chest. A need to cry until her throat is raw. A need to sob until she can't breathe. </p><p>She misses her family so dearly but she knows that where ever they are if they're alive, they're much better off without her. She's a bomb and without the proper control, each breath she takes is a spark closer to lighting the fuse...but as long as she’s numb the fuse is dampen. Like the drugs are a glass of water, putting out every spark that attempts to light the fuse.</p><p>She closes her eyes and as she does so she hums a lullaby.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Just another scene &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She often found herself humming during the quiet moments. She imagines it makes her creepy, unwelcoming, unhinged in some way. Soft sounds coming from her lips, her eyes blown out, her hair greasy, and her hands lifelessly on her lap while a few patients play a game of chess near by.</p><p>Each simple click of a pawn on the board causes her thoughts to spin in place. Never does she grasp them but she knows they're there. She's just too numb to understand them and she tells herself it's better this way.</p><p>The light above her flickers, casting its light for a moment on a red stain on the couch. She stares at it blankly for a few seconds before scooting over. Blood, she wonders, but she doesn't really feel anything about it but a flicker of disgust.</p><p>"Don't you just hate the cleaning crew around here?" </p><p>The couch slumps beside her and a woman sits down. Brunette hair tickling her cheek until the woman leans towards her armrest. "Cat got your tongue... don't I know you?"</p><p>She shrugs, watching the woman narrow her eyes. "You're Vanya, aren’t you? You made a scene when you got yourself admitted," the woman giggles, eyes lighting up with something. "You had all the staff speaking crazy for weeks! Something about lights coming out of your chest."</p><p>For the first time in a while, she actually cracks a smile. It was just the craziness of it all or maybe the realness. Here she is, Vanya Hargreeves, in a mental institution with crazy people because...because what? She feels unsafe with herself, she's scared of what she's become? Or did she simply miss being numb, miss feeling nothing when things hurt.</p><p>Funny thoughts.</p><p>She knows she's here because of what she's become.</p><p>"I'm Lila," A hand is extended towards her, a cheeky smile behind it. She grasps it slowly and receives a strong handshake.</p><p>"I..." her voice is hoarse from lack of speaking. "Nice to meet you," making friends with a crazy lady,  not the best choice she's ever made, but definitely not the worst.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>To be continued possibly?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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